Watchman Willie Martin Archive


        Complete Military History of France. From a Lt. Col. Ret. and history major...


        Fri, 14 Feb 2003 07:07:53 ‑0700


        spiker <[email protected]>


        (Recipient list suppressed)

Stuff you need to know when considering whether we really want France on

our side.


Gallic Wars ‑ Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of

French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War ‑ Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who

inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare : "France's armies

are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars ‑ Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose

two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion ‑ France goes 0‑5‑4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War ‑ France is technically not a participant, but manages to

get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other

participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution ‑ Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as


The Dutch War _ Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War ‑ Lost,

but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the

world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession ‑ Lost. The War also gave the French their

first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution ‑ In a move that will become quite familiar to future

Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far

more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the

Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of

the fighting.

French Revolution ‑ Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also


The Napoleonic Wars ‑ Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)

due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British

footwear designer.

The Franco‑Prussian War ‑ Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat

boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I ‑ Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United

States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep

with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread

use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French


World War II ‑ Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and

Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina ‑ Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the

Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion ‑ Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by

a Non‑Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of

Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to

the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,

Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism ‑ France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to

Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese

ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not

be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France


Reference Materials