Complete Military History of France. From a Lt. Col. Ret. and history major...
Fri, 14 Feb 2003 07:07:53 ‑0700
spiker <[email protected]>
(Recipient list suppressed)
Stuff you need to know when considering whether we really want France on
THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
Gallic Wars ‑ Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War ‑ Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare : "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars ‑ Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion ‑ France goes 0‑5‑4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War ‑ France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution ‑ Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
The Dutch War _ Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War ‑ Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession ‑ Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution ‑ In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
French Revolution ‑ Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
The Napoleonic Wars ‑ Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
The Franco‑Prussian War ‑ Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I ‑ Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
World War II ‑ Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina ‑ Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the
Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion ‑ Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by
a Non‑Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to
the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism ‑ France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France